Lately, although I’d intended to be doing more drawing and painting, I’ve been taking more pictures. This is like getting back in touch with an old and long-lost part of me.
One of my parents gave me an old camera when I was about 6 or 7 (I think it took a 126 film). I don’t really remember that time in my life. But I have the pictures I took to prove that it happened. And some of them are pretty good.
My mum had been a keen amateur photographer in her younger days, and she had a battered old copy of Kodak’s Guide to Making Good Pictures. I was about 9 or 10 when I hungrily devoured it and began to learn the language, of f stops and apertures and depths of field. This and the loan of a wonderful Mamiya 4B Rangefinder camera really started a fire in my belly for all things photographic.
In my teens, I took a lot lot lot of photos. Then I travelled, and I took lots lots more. Until I got so sick of sticking them into photo albums and putting them away on a shelf somewhere to languish with the dust and faded memories that I finally gave up.
In the process of ‘growing up’, we give up so much of ourselves, and lose the will to pursue our passions sometimes, when faced with the demands to conform that are placed upon us by parents, teachers and society at large. It’s such a shame.
Since I started on the path of creative recovery last year, I’ve been unravelling all these lost and grieving parts of myself that I have discarded and betrayed along the journey into who-I-am-right-now. And so, being drawn back into this affair with my camera is another opportunity to embrace my wholeness now.
In so many ways, I see that I’m not the girl I thought I was. Perhaps I’m more, I’m bigger and more beautiful than I ever thought I was.
Something about this photograph of the sun reflected in the millpond really speaks to me, and seems to be whispering to me about this very thing. Who I think I am.
There in the water, the sun looked more like the moon on a dark and cloudless night, until I lifted the brightness and contrast a little, and then the stones on the riverbed sprang up and I could see the mistake I’d made in my assumptions at first.
Something about the upside-down grasses and reeds along the bank really chimes with me too. This whole process of recovering my own authentic self, and emerging into wholeness, means allowing my world to turn upside down at times. For me, that also means not panicking and getting hysterical when it does. I’m not the girl I thought I was; I’m stronger.
And maybe there’s an echo of Narcissus here, who lost himself by falling in love with his own reflection.
Right now, though, I’m going to give myself permission to gaze and fall in love with myself. That’s what creative recovery is all about. To woo your inner artist like a lover, and in doing so, begin to fill the well.
As a final note of news: I found two lovely web projects today that I’m going to join in with here. Both seem perfectly fitted to my aims and intentions for this blog–and they’ve both come along at just the right time!
The first is a project called Elements of Self and is being hosted by Juliana (at her Shakti Mama blog).
She says this about the project:
The Elements of Self… is that place within that is mysterious. That place where harmony can happen. I dare you to go there and look around a little. I dare you to participate in this challenge and to uncover who you are — for you.
The first task to complete is a Mask Self-Portrait. My creative juices are already flowing–heads full of ideas for this. Tomorrow I’m going to get stuck in.
The other project I’m joining in with is over at Susannah Conway’s blog, and is a purely photographic one: one photo a day for the month of August. She’s calling it The August Break.
It will give me something to focus on, whilst I’m building up new content here, and having done these things before, I might even make some new friends. This place is a little bit quiet at the moment.
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This is such a stunning post and photograph. So much of what you say here resonates with me. This especially: “In the process of ‘growing up’, we give up so much of ourselves, and lose the will to pursue our passions sometimes, when faced with the demands to conform that are placed upon us by parents, teachers and society at large.”
And, so, friend, we have reached a new place where metamorphosis, transformation, growth, hope, love, inspiration — all of it is possible. You are so right …. first we must love ourselves, and yes, this means being a bit like Narcissus :). But what other way is there to uncover ourselves from that place we were buried into years and years ago? We stare, then we must unearth, or unwater, if you will. We must look at the mask to move beneath the mask.
Your posts inspire these thoughts in me. I hope you don’t mind me going on for awhile about them.
Thank you, Juliana. I hoped that I wouldn’t be the only one to feel this way. Felt sure I wasn’t!
I’m so glad I found your blog today–I’m really looking forward to doing Elements of Self, and uncovering more of the deeply buried parts of myself that I need to reclaim.
Thank you for all your lovely comments today, too. This is a new space for me, so I want to welcome more people here to read and chat with me. I’ll be stopping by your blog again soon to let you know when I’ve finished my mask (*can’t wait*).
I’m SO glad you’re joining in with Elements of Self — i have a feeling this one is going to be a big one for me…perhaps one of the bigger blocks i have, evidently, is of not valuing myself…and therefore my art — it being an expression of my Self….
big stuff
xoxoxo
So glad, and excited, too. Looking forward to seeing you around the webosphere again hun.
Thank you for coming by and leaving me some comment-love.
ha… i’ve just seen both those projects, lol. I’ve just read this post so far, but this place *feels*
I’m just getting to grips with f-stops etc (well, maybe not, but enjoyin tryin!) Love that photo… and something i have learnt (beware, brag coming on) that water absorbs more light so have to compensate with exposure!
Love this place already… way to go sam!! xx
Thank you, Suzi (I was hoping you’d stop by, and thought you might). I’m really feeling the vibes of this new place too and looking forward to seeing where it will take me.
Lovely to see you again.
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