I’m reluctant to come out and face the camera these days. But I don’t know what I’m hiding.
I’m much more open about myself than I used to be. Take me as I am. I’m too far into this life to try to change myself for you.
But still I’d like to hide the flaws a little longer, and not feel I’m being judged for less-than-perfect skin, and a depilatory routine that has severly slipped since my son was born in 2006.
Even without the mask, I still don’t feel I’m showing my real self yet. I feel like a wailing banshee, or Medusa. Kill you dead with one stony look.
Rage is bubbling up within me, and might be my deepest state of being, which I’ve denied for such a long time. Rage at who?
All anger turns in on itself, upon the bearer, in the end.
What if I’m not good? What if I’m not beautiful? What if I’m never thin and have good hair that does as it’s told? What if this, this me that you see here, is it? Can that be enough?
{to join in with the series Elements of Self, go over to Juliana’s blog and take a look at what’s going on}
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
It’s more than enough.
Glad to be on this path to self-discovery with you. Will stop by again soon!
Much warmth!
Thank you, Leslie. I think we’re going to have an interesting journey.
Oh, you are so beautiful, lovely lady. Behind the mask, I see something more … hope, love, passion … it’s there, at the edges, though I see the mask too, and the reasons for it. I have been at this place of hiding (from myself and others), and in many ways, I’m still at this place.
I will offer you through words what I have offered myself. You are enough … you are more than enough. Begin with loving yourself, and the rest will come, the belief, the faith, the spirit.
What I see is lovely and vulnerable and graceful. Your hair, your eyes, your lips.
Thank you for participating. I see a wonderful journey ahead of you.
powerful. i see strength and passion.
Hi Mon, lovely to see you again. Thank you for your words.
I believe that when we ‘know’ deep deep within that we are all we need to be, there comes a shift and we start to be that which we are; more than enough and without boundary for potential. You are so beautiful.
oh, but i GET the rage, my sister, i truly GET that…..
mine came from my controlled youth – my being the ‘good’ girl, from doing the ‘right’ thing — too bad that was someone else’s ‘right’ thing. it diminished me and i rage against that. or at least i did — i think most of that is gone now — just the soul-exhaustion in the aftermath and the long journey back to my Self.
and i *know* that you are beautiful. i see such depth in your eyes – -those burning, mutinous eyes — i know that glare, because it’s looked back at me in the mirror so often — but such beauty and strength there…and softness, in a heartbeat, there is softness…..
xoxoxoxo
I have to agree with Mel, I get the rage too, all too well … I raged for years against society, against men, against women, against family, against friends. People learned to steer clear from me. So much pain from the past haunted me, and I couldn’t let go of it. Perhaps you can see remnants of this in my eyes (and the sadness you pick up on has to do with this as well).
I’ve learned to be okay with my past, with my griefs, but it took time. I’ve learned to embrace my rage and grief. I see you doing this too, here. I think it’s wonderful.
Oh, life.
Juliana, isn’t it funny how rage turns to grief? Not funny at all, but serious work to uncover these things and release them so that they have no hold on us still. I have been bound up in months of grief, over things I could hardly identify, and things long passed that others would have told me to forget all about. But until you cry the tears and let it fill your bones with it’s pain, it’s never gone.
Thank you for your words.
Mel said it: ‘those mutinous eyes’ — is it rage? or is it self possession that you feel you must defend? beautiful thing, beautiful beautiful. good & skin & thin do not beautiful make. go in, ask how YOU define it? it will not be the same, from moment to moment, day to day … THAT, in itself, is beautiful.
That’s a very interesting point. Is it rage, or self-possession that I feel I must defend? Yes to the latter, but maybe also yes to the former, because I feel enraged that anyone should have ever questioned it and forced me to defend it. And enraged that they still do.
oh how I love your portrait! LOVE!
depilatories are over-rated, and yes, anger does always hurt the bearer. wise one are you. i am learning this too….
visiting from shaktimama’s link…
Hi Vicki, thanks for coming by and sharing the love of hairiness with me. You are most welcome.
Visiting from Shakti Mama’s. You are beautiful!
Thank you, Angelina. Glad you could come by.
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